(One of a series of plays about Louie, 17-year-old son of a Brooklyn capo, his Williamsburg pet shop, and his friends.)
PEE WEE'S REVENGE
BY STEPHEN D. GROSS
Cast of Characters: Angela (A)
Wendell (W)
Louie (L)
Carlo (C)
Little Sally Boxes (LSB)
SCENE I
Sound of SNORING
alternating with persisitent RAPPING on door
ANGELA: (in stage whisper) Lou-ieee! Hey, Lou-ieee...!
(More SNORING)
AB: Maybe he ain't here...
A He's here - he's always here....! Lou-ieee...!
BC Maybe he's wid somebody -
A Nah, not Louie ...
AB Whaddya mean - why not?
A 'Cause - Louieeee! (louder) Hey LOUIEEE...
AB Shhh- not so loud....!
A What loud, people holler around here all the time
AB But it's three o'clock in the morning...
A So? We gotta find a place to keep 'em....
AB Just let 'em go...
A Whaddya you crazy? You think dis is the jungle or somethin'? Can't just let 'em go....
AB Why not? Lots to eat - plenty of fruit stands all over the place - they can climb pretty good, get away from people an' cops...
A They can't survive in the city - they'll get run over...chewed on by dogs....
AB I don't know why I let you talk me into this shit, Angela, I must be...
A Cause it's a good thing to do, is why...y'unnerstan'? They do experiments on the poor things, stick needles in their brains and put burning crap in their eyes that blind's 'em an'...
AB So they got a reason for doin' it, right? They're scientists, ain't they...? They know what they're doin'....
A They're just makin' shampoo and soaps and skin stuff and junk like that - they don't need to torture little animals for that crap! It's not like they're savin' lives or anything important....
AB Shampoos an' soaps? Dats it?
A Cosmetics - when you come down to it, it's stuff nobody really needs...
AB Bullshit! People get dirty, they gotta use soap, they gotta wash their hair...!
A HEY, LOU-IEEEE!
L What!? Who the fu....Angela, is that you...? What the fuck are you doin' here in the middle of the night? Who's wit you...?
A Open the door! Louie, open the door an' I'll tell you what I'm doin' here...
(Sound of DOOR OPENING and CLOSING SHUT)
L Who's dis...?
A This is my friend an' confederate, Wendell - Wendell this is my cousin Louie, the one I toldja about..
L What'd she tell you?
W Hey, how ya' doin'? Nothin' but good stuff...
L Yeah, like what...?
W Like how youse always helpin' people out an' stuff...
L Uh huh - so whaddya you guys doin' bangin' on my door at tree in the morning..? You in trouble...?
A Nah, not really....well, it ain't exactly us who's in trouble...
L But somebody is, right...?
A Yeah - well, not exactly a somebody, know what I mean...?
L I have no fuckin' idea - you want coffee?
A You got some made?
L You think the coffeepot's full o' coffee sitting around waitin' for you to drop in at three in the fuckin' morning?
A I dunno what you was doin'
L Here, look at my eyes - all red and squinty - It's a coupla hours before sunrise - see if you can figure it out....
A I guess you musta been asleep....right?
L You always was the brainy one, Angela, I gotta hand it to you....
A Come on Louie, we need some help - we wouldn't come bangin' on your door at tree in the morning if we didn't need your help...
L So who's in trouble...? You need bail money for one of your hippity-dippity friends...?
A It's not exactly a "who" Louie, it's more of a what...
AB Yeah, a couple of "whats"...
L It ain't human, right? You got some dumb animal an' you think this dumb animale is gonna help him out...?
A Them, Louie....AB Yeah, there's two of 'em....
L Uh - oh! Two a what?
A Well, you know that lab down in Canarsie with the barbed wire and shit?
L Yeah, the one we're they're supposed to be makin' poisons and nerve gas and toxic shit......
AB We found out that ain't what they do there....
L Oh, yeah? Whadda you know? You got the inside poop?
A We decided to leave the poop behind, Louie....
L Angela, it's too fuckin' early to play Ring Around da Rosie....
A They do experiments on animals, Louie, that's what they fuckin' do there...
AB You should see - dogs, cats, rabbits...!
L So don't tell me - youse broke in dere?
A They was sufferin', Louie - somebody had to help 'em, give 'em a break...
L You guys really broke in? Just the two o' you?
A Somebody had to do somethin' Louie, y'unnerstand? Wendell and me got these bolt cutters?
AB My cousin Ronnie Stole 'em from the precinct....s
L Ronnie who? Do I know 'em?
AB Ronnie Mendell, he lives in Far Rockaway
L Ronnie Scissors? I know that punk...
A He ain't a punk, he's a good guy...
L Yeah, right - you don't know him Angela, believe me, you don't know some of the stuff he's pulled...
AB He's really a good guy once you get to know him...
L He's your cousin? You must be Wendell Mendell - right? I heard a' you....
A Lissen Louie, they're in the car....
L What's in the car, Angela? Whaddya gonna lay on me this time...
A There's just two of them...
AB An' they're pretty small...
L Cats? Bunnies? Break it to me gently....
A They're monkeys...
L Monkeys?
A Rhesus monkeys....
L Reese's monkeys? Did they ever play for the Dodgers?
A Whadda you talkin', Louie?
L Pee Wee Reese - used to play shortstop for the Dodgers - you said they was Reeses monkeys....
A They're damaged, Louie - don't make fun...they was sufferin'
AB An' we sprung 'em. Ronnie's fuckin' bolt cutters popped 'em loose....
L Whaddya mean damaged?
AB One of 'em's head is all shaved so they could attach electrodes and wires and shit, and it has seizures...
A Epilepsy - it has epilepsy. An' the other one had its vocal cords or something removed and all it can do is hiss...it hisses all the time...
L Crippled fuckin' monkeys you wanna dump on me?
A Not dump, Louie, we're not dumpin' 'em, we just wanna leave 'em here until we can find a good home for 'em...
W C'mon Louie, I'm always hearin' what a swell guy you are, how you're always helpin' people out....
Yeah, Louie - you got the room, you know about animals - have a little compassion...
W Think about it Louie - what would Jesus do if he was in your place....?
L I dunno - move to Jersey? Turn water into chianti an' sell it to the Sons of Italy?
A C'mon, Louie, we busted our butts to rescue them - help those sick monkeys out...
L A'right...you got 'em out in da car? Bring 'em in..
A Thank you, thank you...we knew we could count on youse!
W Yeah, you're a good man, Louis. They was right about you, all those things I heard...
L Just be quiet - you don't need to wake up the whole neighborhood
(FOOTSTEPS, door opens and closes)
SCENE II
L The one with the shaved head I named Pee Wee after Pee Wee Reese, and the other one I call Buttercup.
CS I like dat - Howja come up with those names?
L Angela told me they was Reese's monkeys, so one of them had to be Pee Wee and the other one I named after my favorite movie time munch -
CS Buttercup? They sell candy in the Paradise called buttercups?
L No, dummy - you know Reeses Peanut Butter Cups? You're always grabbin' one practically out of my hands...?
CS Not always, just sometimes...
L Yeah, well he's a Reese's so I named him Buttercup....
LSB So what's the story - what happened down at Mooneys?
C Did your monkey really kill O'Brien the cop?
L He never laid a hand on 'em - it was just, whaddya call it, an act of God....
LSB We heard from Uncle Arnie and Frankie Spaghetti it was the monkey gave O'Brien a heart attack...
C Six-foot-six, 280, offed by a fuckin' two pound monkey...!
L Not that the asshole deserved to live, what with the way he treated Bridgit and Joey...
LSB Like Father Loughlin says, sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways...
C So how'd it happen..?
(Music)
L It was freaky, the way it all happened...Like, if it wasn't a Sunday, O'Brien might still be runnin' around kickin' ass...
C Why a Sunday...?
L 'Cause–
dats when him an' Bridgit an' Joey go to Good Shepherd, and O'Brien always stops at Mooney's after church for a coupla' beers an' some of Frankie Spaghetti's spaghetti an' meatballs..
LSB So....?
L So I'm in the shop havin' my morning coffee an' mindin' my business, kinda feeling a little like Tarzan surrounded by all these monkeys and birds and shit when my cousin Arabella comes by...
C The one who lives in the Village an' hangs out with all those ....?
L Don't say it Carlo - I know what you're gonna say....
C What? I didn't say nothin'!
L Yeah, but you was gonna call 'em queers.....right?
C I didn't say.....
L They're okay guys - I met a few of 'em an' as long as they don't come onto me, they're alright....
LSB Yeah, yeah, so what happened with O'Brien...?
L So she comes by, she was out here visiting Grandma Rosa, and she shows me these masks she got from Rosa who's had 'em in an old trunk since she came over from Palermo....
C What kinda masks?
L I seen 'em a coupla' times before. They're from the Commedia Del'Arte and they're really nice....
LSB So what happened...?
L So we're shootin' the shit an' she shows me the masks and we're talkin' about our Grandma and family stuff, and we hear this weird hissing....
C A gas leak...?
L No, dummy - it was Buttercup - the monkey that the only sound it can make since the lab people fucked with its neck is hissing..
LSB So then what...?
L Well it's hissing because the monkey with the shaved head, Pee Wee, is hassling it, so I grab Pee Wee an' take him outta his cage to calm Buttercup down...and Arabella's pettin' him an' stuff, and I start thinkin' how cool it would be to try one of the masks on the monkey, just to see how it'll look, ya' know?
C You put a fuckin' mask on the monkey?
L Yeah, she's got this skull one, what she calls a Death's-Head,
an' I'm thinkin' how cool Pee Wee would look wearin' it, so I put it on his little face, and it's kinda big, so I tie it in the back so it won't fall off, and it looks so weird Arabella starts to crack up....
LSB Heh-heh-heh!
C Shut up Sally....den what happened?
L I guess Pee Wee doesn't like his face covered so he starts to freak out, an' I go to grab him an' he jumps off the counter an' runs out the open door into the street....
LSB Hehhehheh
C Holy Shit! He's out in the street...?
L Yeah, but not for long.... he runs down the street an' the Brighton local comes along an' musta freaked him good, 'cause he runs into the first open door he sees, which is Mooney's....
C The monkey ducks into Mooney's...?
L Yeah, Carlo - I just said that...ain't choo listenin'?
LSB Hehhehhehhehheh
C Yeah, yeah, so what happened?
L So there all there, after church wid a coupla beers under their belts, O'Brien and McGonigle an' old man Flanagan, an' I guess O'Brien was feelin' bad about all the shit he's been doin' to Joey an' Bridgit...treatin' 'em mean an' wailin' on 'em and stuff...
C He's one mean prick, that O'Brien....
L He ain't nothin' any more...
LSB Hehhehheh Hehhehheh!
L So, you know how it is after church, how sometimes all that religious crap makes you feel guilty an' stuff?
C I wouldn't know about that, but I heard that some....
L Some people do there confessin' in the bar instead of in church - for some of 'em, it's easier that way once they got a few beers under their belt....
C So the big cop is feelin' bad about bein' such a jerk all his life...?
L Yeah, that's what I heard, he was cryin' an' stuff, scared he was gonna suffer eternal damnation an' like that, when the monkey ran into Mooney's, an' seein' all those feet, he jumps up onto the bar...
C Onto the bar...?
LSB HEhhehheh...!
L An' it's bad enough, this little animale suddenly jumpin' up onto the bar in front of these half-loaded guys, but Pee Wee's still wearin' the mask I tied onto his head....!
C The death mask, the skull? The fuckin' monkey's still wearin' it...?
L Yeah, and all of a sudden O'Brien who's feelin' really bad about himself an' thinking about Hell looks up from cryin' an' sees this hairy little thing with a big Death's head starin' him right in the face from about a foot away...
C Holy Shit!
LSB Heheheheh....!
L An' that's when it hits the fan......
C He musta freaked...!
L He screams an' turns white, and the scream freaks Pee Wee who goes into an epileptic seizure right on the bar in front of O'Brien!
C He musta shit his pants....!
L Yeah, he did - that's one of the things that happens when you drop dead - you kinda lose control an' everything comes out....
LSB HEHEHEHEH...!
C O'Brien drops dead...?!
L Yeah, he's feelin' guilty an' miserable, thinkin' what an sshole he's been, an' all of a sudden a little naked hairy thing with the face of Death appears in front of him an' starts twitching an' convulsin', and O'Brien being a religious type knows it's the Reaper comin' for his ass, so he hands it to him on a platter...
C Holy fuckin' shit....!
LSB He died? O'Brien dropped dead...?
L Heart attack, they said it was, but I think he died of fright brought on by his own guilt....
C So what happened to the monkey...?
L He just laid there twitchin', the poor thing, an Frankie Spaghetti not bein' too smart, comes out with his carvin' knife to put Pee Wee out of his misery, but Pee Wee suddenly recovers an' runs out into the street an' seein' me, he jumps into my arms like for protection?
LSB Yeah, protection....
L An' I brought him back here and locked the door...
C Fuckin' heart attack - holy shit!
L So the cops came down an' they talked to the people who were in Mooney's, asked a lottta questions, but the stories they heard were so weird - an' they got a different story from everyone they spoke to....
C They arrest Pee Wee?
L Carlo, sometimes you're so fuckin' dumb! No, they don't arrest monkeys - my father talked to them an' laid a coupla C-notes on 'em an' they wrote it off as an accidental....
LSB So your monkey's a cop killer....right?
L Arabella says it's justice, ya' know? Poor Pee Wee was mistreated his whole life an' now God has kinda allowed him to get even for all the shit he's been through by offin' a bad guy...
C I dunno, maybe Loughlin is right - sometimes the Lord does work in mysterious ways...!
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